


Even Stars Bleed

by Nadja_Lee



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Angst, Happy Ending, Healing, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Love, M/M, Rape Recovery, Telepathic Bond
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-11-01
Updated: 2004-11-01
Packaged: 2021-03-01 03:20:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,610
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23018437
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nadja_Lee/pseuds/Nadja_Lee
Summary: After a violent Pon Farr Spock finds he’s bonded to Jim for life, the man he hurt so badly during his Time. Can they ever get past the ordeal they have been through?[Printed in the zine Dark Fire, released in december 2004]
Relationships: James T. Kirk/Spock
Comments: 6
Kudos: 332





	Even Stars Bleed

**Author's Note:**

> I cannot read Stardates so in this fic “Journey To Babel” happened shortly after “Amok Time”. There is probably a few other episode references that have their Stardates mixed up.
> 
> With thanks to Nancy for beta. I dedicate this fic to Kathy because it’s all her fault. Really, it is. *laughs*

#  **Even Stars Bleed**

Spock slowly awoke, aware that the colder body he held so tightly, possessively, against his own naked body was shivering slightly. He was wide awake at once, shocked by the feel of another person against him. Had he been with someone intimately? He couldn’t recall any such event. Spock leaned on one elbow and saw that his male and seemingly human bedmate was turned away from him. Spock could hear from his quickened heartbeat that the man was awake.

A quick look around what appeared to be a small cabin left him shocked and appalled. The messy bed he was currently occupying was in a combined bedroom/living room. A mass of broken artifacts and turned-over furniture littered the floor, and the open door to the bathroom revealed a chaos of towels and puddles of water. It looked like there had been a small war fought throughout both rooms.

Spock was a perfectly neat and orderly man in every aspect of his life. Shocked, he drew the only logical conclusion: he must have entered Pon Farr again. He hadn’t mated on Vulcan, and this time it seemed that he had indeed given into his desires and broken this cycle’s Pon Farr.

The room had a distinct, stuffy smell that revealed he and his bedmate must have been in the room for some time but it was overpowered by the smell of semen and blood, with the faint scent of urine mixed in as well. Alarmed, Spock turned his full attention to the man lying beside him. The back that was turned toward him re-vealed extensive injury and Spock took a deep and pained breath at this evidence of his own violence. The man’s back was covered with bruises and cuts. Worst of all were his backside and anus, which were smeared with blood and made Spock fear the man might have internal bleeding. Lying on his left side, the man was cradling his right arm in an awkward but protective movement; Spock suspected the arm was broken. All evidence pointed to the painful madness of Pon Farr.

The man still wore the torn remains of a golden shirt, attached to the collar only by a few remaining threads. Finally Spock forced himself to look at the man’s turned head, hoping he didn’t have blond hair and thus confirm a ter-rible fear he fought to repress. Through unruly and dirty, the hair on the man’s head was definitely blond.

 _Don’t let me have done this to Jim._ The thought, the illogical wish, was undeniable. It was hard for his hand not to shake as Spock laid a hand on the man’s trembling right shoulder, intending to turn him over so he could see his face.

“Not again. No more.” The protest was a soft whisper, more sad than angry, as if the man had resigned himself to the fact that his plea would go unheard. The familiarity of that voice made Spock withdraw his hand from the man’s body as if burned.

With the strength that was such a great part of him Jim forced himself to turn on his back, ignoring the protests his backside gave him because of this. Pained golden eyes stared into Spock’s deep brown ones and, for a moment, neither of them moved or spoke.

Spock saw the red marks on Jim’s neck, matching his own two hands, and the bruises on his cheeks from what could only be a forced meld, evidence that he had held the human still against his will. Jim’s skin was pale and he had lines around his eyes, indicating stress and lack of sleep. In his weakened state, Jim looked even younger and more vulnerable than Spock had ever seen him before.

“Not you,” Spock whispered softly, brokenly.

 _Why did it have to be Jim, the man he had secretly come to love?_ His crime would not have been any less heinous had it been done to a stranger but Spock knew that, illogical as it might seem, he would have been able to face such a situation much better than he could deal with this terrible reality.

Jim’s face and eyes regained some semblance of life as he heard Spock speak his first intelligent and meaningful words for days, giving him hope that maybe his ordeal was over.

“You’re…all right now?” Jim got out, his voice raw and rasped, probably from screaming in pain.

Spock winced. The genuine concern in Jim’s voice, even though his body was still shak-ing in uncontrollable fear from his close proxim-ity to Spock, made the Vulcan have to fight for control.

“My Pon Farr has ended. I am once again in control of my actions.”

Jim nodded, feeling more relieved than he ever had before. He bit down on his lower lip to keep from screaming when he forced himself to sit upright, still cradling his broken arm to his chest. Seeing his distress, Spock instinctively reached out a hand towards Jim to help him but Jim flinched and drew back from him in in-stinctive fear, making Spock withdraw his hand. He had never known such regret and anguish as he did at this moment, seeing Jim hurt and humiliated and knowing he had been the cause. Mercifully, the madness of Pon Farr prevented him from recalling the specific events, and seeing what he had done, he knew he never wanted to access those memories.

Jim appeared entirely different from the last time Spock recalled seeing him. His entire body was bruised, he walked slowly and with great pain and his eyes had lost the light they used to hold. Additionally, his face was marked with lines of pain that hadn’t been there before.

“Sorry, but I think I better do this on my own.” Jim fought to keep his voice even and to stop his body’s shivering as he got to his feet. Again Spock almost reached out to support him but then remembered and held back at the last minute. Spock rose from the bed as well.

“Let me contact Dr. McCoy,” Spock offered, needing to do something, anything at all to ease the pain he could read in Jim’s eyes.

Jim shook his head as, with slow and painful steps, he moved to the bathroom door. He never would have guessed that such a simple act as being allowed to go to the bathroom alone and unguarded would feel so joyous, but this was the first freedom he had experienced after days of being guarded by a possessive and instinct-driven Vulcan.

“Not yet. I…” Jim fought down the emotions as he forced himself to continue, “I don’t want Bones or anyone else to see me like this.”

Spock was painfully reminded of their mission to the planet Platonious. He recalled telling his Captain that he must have felt very humiliated by being forced into humiliating situations by their captors’ powers of telekinesis. It sickened him to know he had done far worse to Jim than what he had experienced at the hands of those strangers.

Without another word, Jim disappeared into the bathroom. When he locked the door Spock felt it like a blow, though he knew it was a perfectly logical action after what had just hap-pened. Naked and needing a shower Spock de-cided against dressing even if he had managed to locate his clothes. Instead he started cleaning the room. He righted the turned-over chairs and the table, threw away all the broken vases and other smashed decorations — and tossed out the sheets from the bed as well. He found some ripped fabric that could have been his clothing but it was too torn to be of much use so he threw it away along with the poor remains of what had been Jim’s pants. Just looking at the shredded fa-bric sent a flame of regret and shame through him.

He found a clean sheet and decided against trying to save the manhandled bed, instead tying the sheet around his waist.

He had just finished when Jim exited the bathroom. Jim wore a big towel that went from his waist to his ankles — a change from the small towels that barely covered his privates, which is what Jim ordinarily wore around Spock. His skin tone looked better, and the water had washed many of the obvious signs of his ordeal away. He had made a sling from a small thin towel for his broken arm. Strain, pain and tiredness were still clearly visible on Jim’s face but he had managed to stop his body’s shivering.

“You can use the bathroom now,” Jim offered, his voice sounding much better after he had drunk some water while in the bathroom.

Spock was painfully aware that Jim avoided meeting his eyes and that he made sure to side-step Spock when the Vulcan walked toward the bathroom, making sure their bodies were as far apart as possible.

When Spock returned to the living room, feeling better after the smell and evidence of his crime had been washed away, he saw that Jim had ordered food. Jim sat by the table, wrapped in long thick towels, a quantity of dishes before him that he was happily sampling, obviously hungry. Spock guiltily realized that in his mad-ness he had not allowed Jim to stray too far away from him. He doubted that he had been able to remember that Jim, as a human, could not go comfortably without food or drink for days.

“This, this and this are all vegetarian dishes,” Jim said in greeting and pointed at three of the plates.

Spock seated himself opposite him and watched as Jim ate as if he hadn’t eaten for days. Not hungry himself, and not just because Vulcans could go without food for days, Spock forced a few bites down all the same. They ate in an awkward and painful silence before Spock finally spoke.

“What happened?” It wasn’t what Spock really wanted to say; he wanted to ask for forgiveness but knew he had no right to ask for this when his crime had obviously been a terrible one. He settled for what he knew would be a painful truth, but if Jim was forced to live with it then so must he.

“Do you remember anything?” Jim asked quietly and pushed his plate away from him, suddenly not hungry anymore. He felt worse, knowing that he had lived through hell and Spock didn’t even recall it. A part of him was angrier with Spock than he ever had been with anyone in his entire life and that part of him wanted to punish Spock for what he had done – even if that punishment was forcing the Vulcan to hear the details of what he had done. Another part of him wanted to forget the whole ordeal; yet another part wanted to deny it had even hap-pened. Guilt and shame vied with the desire to feel and think about nothing at all. There were too many emotions and reactions filling him right now for him to make any kind of sense of them. He fought to stay calm.

“No,” Spock answered. “The last thing I remember is that you had asked me to accompany you on shore leave on Vena 3 and that was 3.23 solar months after we had left Vulcan and I had found that I had not killed you.” ~~~~

Jim forced his eyes to meet Spock’s. “We are still on Vena 3. We’re in the cabin in the woods I reserved for myself to use during our stay here.” It should have been a nice shore leave. They had had nine days as Scotty had to do some repairs to the Enterprise. Vena 3 was a quiet planet, a strange and amazing combination of the greatest technology and beautiful nature. Jim had noticed that Spock still seemed to fight some residual effects of the Pon Farr and had thought some shore leave would be the answer. Things hadn’t turned out the way he had planned, to put it mildly.

“How long have we been here?” Spock indicated the room with an elegant hand movement, cautious not to make any sudden move-ments towards Jim. He knew he would have to be careful, and never actually touch him; he didn’t want the pain of seeing Jim flinch from him in instinctive fear. As a Vulcan, Spock was stronger than Jim, but that had never been an is-sue between them. Now, he feared, it would al-ways be an issue between them.

“I lost track of time, but while you were in the shower I asked the front desk. We beamed down eight days ago.” Jim fought to stop the flow of images these words brought to him. Along with the images, he also fought his body’s instinctive fear.

Spock was worried by this knowledge, even though he was thankful that his Vulcan mind lacked the imagination to draw pictures to fill in the missing pieces of the time he had lost. Fighting to find a safe subject, Spock’s eyes settled on Jim’s arm. “You should let Dr. McCoy look at you as soon as possible.”

“After we finish talking. I don’t want to debate this later,” Jim insisted. In fact, he never wished to talk about it again. He would like to forget it had ever happened, but he knew that wasn’t possible. “Besides,” Jim nodded towards his arm. “This happened a few days ago.” He wanted to pretend he didn’t know why he’d said those words, but he couldn’t deny the truth: he knew those words would hurt Spock, and part of him wanted just that. The knowledge that he was capable of holding such hate inside himself troubled him.

“As soon as we return to the ship I shall surrender myself to the proper authorities,” Spock insisted but Jim shook his head. Spock hadn’t been in control of his actions; it wouldn’t be fair to have him suffer for an ordeal he had had no control over, no matter how confused Jim’s emotions were in regard to this fact.

“I want to forget this ever happened. I won’t go through a trial.” He hesitated before he added, “I can’t go through a trial.” Having to relive the event in front of everyone was un-thinkable. If it came to a trial, everyone would know what had been done to him…and by his closest friend and confidante. No, he couldn’t go through a trial.

“Surely you wish to pursue this matter. You must take some kind of action against me,” Spock insisted. He deserved to be punished for what he had done. If Jim did not have him punished then how could he ever move past an injustice that would then remain unchallenged? 

Jim shook his head again. “This never happened.” As Spock seemed set to protest Jim overruled him, his tone angry, “You will not speak of this to anyone and that’s an order!”

Silence fell between them until Jim rose from the table, needing to get away.

“I paid for the cabin when I beamed down for shore leave so we have it for the rest of the day and tomorrow as well. I will go to your room and borrow some clothes.” There was no way he was changing clothes in front of Spock right now. “And then I’ll use your communicator to beam back to the Enterprise since you made sure I lost mine when we walked in the woods.” He hadn’t been able to get to Spock’s communicator before and being able to leave now, finally, filled Jim with greater relief than he had ever known. The illogical thought, that if he left the scene of the crime it would never have hap-pened, made him make a hasty retreat as he exited the room, never looking back at Spock.

Spock stared at the closed door for a long time and a flicker of memory returned to him. He recalled how he had fought what he had believed to be the aftereffects of the Pon Farr. He had thought he had succeeded in eradicating the last remnants from his body, but on the second day of their shore leave he and Jim had gone walking in the woods, away from any dis-traction, near their isolated cabin. His passion had consumed him, and with despair he had realized he hadn’t been suffering from mere aftereffects but the return of Pon Farr itself. The last thing he remembered was Jim’s surprised look when Spock had been unable to hold back and had pulled him into a hard kiss, his arms closing like iron bars around the human and his roaming hands knocking Jim’s communicator to the ground. ~~~~

“T’hy’la, what have I done?” Spock whis-pered softly, pain in his voice. He would try to do as Jim wanted and pretend it had never hap-pened but he doubted that was possible. He had hurt his friend in the worst possible way. In a single act of madness he had lost that which he loved the most: Jim’s friendship and the honor to claim it.

* * * * *

“Jim, we need to talk.”

Jim had been waiting for McCoy to say those words to him ever since he had beamed up to a blissfully almost-empty ship. Most of the crew was still on shore leave. He had called Mc-Coy, requesting that the Doctor beam up to sick-bay. He had ignored his friend’s concerned ques-tions all during the examination and, when he had stood naked before McCoy so the doctor could see the extent of the abuse, McCoy had fallen silent in shock and sympathy.

McCoy had tried to be as gentle as possi-ble but when he had had to examine his anus, Jim hadn’t been able to contain his shivers and had barely managed not to draw back from his touch. Luckily there had been no permanent damage but McCoy had had to re-fuse the bro-ken bone in Jim’s arm, bind two bruised ribs and a sprained wrist. He had given Jim several pills to take against dehydration and had finished with healing some extensive bruising and tearing to his rectum.

Thankfully, McCoy had made the exam-ination alone, having sent Chapel out at Jim’s request. Afterwards McCoy had ordered Chapel to get Jim a fresh uniform and had silently handed it over to his friend, letting him dress in private, something he wouldn’t even have thought about doing before as both men had always been com-fortable with nakedness. Now he had called Jim to his office and had initiated privacy mode for the room. The two men sat opposite each other as the doctor poured each of them a drink. Jim fiddled with his for a while as McCoy took a large shallow.

“I’m not sure I can talk about this,” Jim admitted softly, fighting to keep the ghosts of memory at bay.

“Jim…I will have to report that you have been subjected to a sexual assault,” McCoy said softly. Jim’s head flew up and he looked as if McCoy had stuck him.

“No. I don’t want this in my records.”

McCoy sighed, having expected as much. He assumed that Jim would like to take unof-ficial action against his attacker…or a certain Vulcan would do it for him. “Okay, I can ignore this, if you give me a good enough reason and if you agree to counseling.”

Jim looked thoughtful for a moment, but then he nodded. “Sounds reasonable.”

The soft and resigned tone made McCoy frown slightly. Sudden insight hit him as he put all the pieces together. Spock was missing and Jim had been unwilling to tell about his where-abouts or him in general. Jim’s injuries told Mc-Coy that Jim’s attacker had been too strong to defeat without trying for what could be a killing blow and for some reason Jim hadn’t been will-ing to risk that. This could only mean one thing, abhorrent as the very idea was to him.

McCoy leaned a bit over the table but at Jim’s involuntarily flinch he quickly drew back.

“Spock did this, didn’t he?” McCoy asked in a matter-of-fact tone that didn’t betray his anger or his guilt at having left Kirk alone with Spock. He could think of no one else for whom Jim would cover up such a terrible crime than his Vulcan First Officer. Despite Spock’s reassurances that he was fine after Vulcan, he should have checked him out regularly to make certain he was in fact all right. From what he had learned about Pon Farr, it was impossible to survive it without mat-ing, but Spock had seemed all right and had seemed so certain that the combat had cured him that McCoy hadn’t questioned it. 

Jim merely nodded. “That’s why you can’t report this; they’ll give him a dishonorable discharge at best and that’s only if his family pulls all the strings they have. You know he couldn’t control it.”

McCoy nodded grimly. “I know but Jim what happens in another seven years? I can’t let him do…this again to someone else.”

Jim flinched at his words but maintained eye contact. “I didn’t think it would be like this,” Jim admitted softly.

“What do you mean?”

“The day after we beamed down we went for a walk in the woods and Spock kissed me. He told me that he had been wrong; the Pon Farr was back and the madness was growing quickly. He had to mate or die.” Jim’s voice died away, filled with self-accusation. What a self-assured idiot he had been. Jim Kirk, always playing the hero, thinking he could always beat the odds — only this time he hadn’t been aware that he was betting with his body, heart and soul, and had lost all three.

“You offered to help him?” McCoy guessed, knowing that it was in Jim’s nature to do so. Jim would offer himself to Klingons or mysterious aliens if it meant keeping his crew and ship safe.

Jim nodded. “I thought I could handle it. I mean Amanda does with Sarek so I figured how hard can it be? Spock warned me about Vulcan strength and the depth of the madness but I thought I had everything under control.” He laughed humorlessly, his voice so cold it sent shivers down McCoy’s spine. “I was a fool,” he added harshly.

“You never thought Spock would harm you,” McCoy gently corrected him.

“I still don’t understand what I did wrong,” Jim admitted softly. McCoy gave him a piercing look, not surprised to hear that Jim blamed himself for the attack McCoy knew this reaction was common in rape survivors, and he made a mental note to read up on rape counseling. Though he had a degree to conduct such counseling, he had never actually counseled a rape victim before.

Jim elaborated, misreading McCoy’s look as one of lack of understanding, “Since he became so…rough. I mean Amanda looks so delicate so I must have done something…”

“Jim,” McCoy gently interrupted him, wanting to set the record straight at once. “Sarek was much older than Spock when he married Amanda. Also, they Bonded, which means they would have been mentally connected, and might even have had sex before they went through their first Pon Farr.” McCoy recalled what he had read in Sarek’s file, which he’d consulted when he had had to operate on him during the Babel mission which hadn’t been all that long after Spock’s failed marriage. He now wished there had been more on Vulcan mating behavior in the classes he had taken as a part of his inter-species psychology course. 

“And this Bond or mental connection would insure he didn’t harm her?” Jim asked, intrigued in spite of himself.

“Yes but as I said Sarek was many years older than Spock when he married Amanda. Spock is young and as a half human it is very possible that it is much harder for him to combat the effects of the Pon Farr, though given enough years I would assume he will be able to control it better.”

Jim nodded in understanding. A silence fell between them; neither was sure what to say now. Memories of his ordeal were threatening to fill his mind, and he found he had to get away; he needed to focus on something which had nothing to do with Vulcans and Pon Farr. “Don’t worry about anyone else getting hurt when Spock’s Time comes again. We’ll have figured something out by then,” he said as he stood to leave.

“And if we haven’t?” McCoy asked softly. 

Jim’s eyes got a haunted look as he fought back the mental images McCoy’s words threatened to force upon him. His face set in familiar stubborn lines. “I will deal with it.”

”Jim…” McCoy began to protest, cursing himself for not having predicted his friend’s self-sacrificing attitude.

“Bones,” Jim interrupted him, his voice insistent. Jim looked at the floor for a moment before he locked eyes with McCoy and said soft-ly, his voice naked and raw with honesty, “I cannot lose him.”

McCoy had thought he couldn’t be more shocked after Jim’s painful revelations, but what he read in Jim’s face shocked him to his core. “You love him!” He couldn’t understand it. How could Jim love a Vulcan? Even though Spock was a bit more human towards Jim than anyone else, McCoy still thought he was way too emo-tionally closed off for a human to have a fruitful relationship with him. Yet even now, underneath all the pain, anger and confusion, McCoy could still read that love in Jim’s eyes. Many things could be said about his Captain and friend but the man was loyal to the point of being self-de-structive…like Spock could be as well.

Jim smiled slightly, a bit sadly. “I always have, Bones.”

With that he left and McCoy looked after him for a long while, fighting to remain calm.

 _Spock, you cold-blooded devil of a Vulcan, you do not deserve him,_ McCoy thought angrily. He knew his judgment was colored by favoritism: Jim was his closest friend. He cared for Spock but Jim was his best friend and, though he knew in his mind that it wasn’t Spock’s fault, he still wanted to hit the Vulcan over the head…hard and repeatedly.

McCoy decided to avoid Spock for the time being. He knew he wouldn’t be able to prevent himself from making hurting, snarling com-ments about what Spock had done to the man who had cared, and apparently still cared, so deeply for him — a man McCoy loved enough to follow into hell and back.

* * * * *

“So, is there anything special you want to discuss today?” McCoy asked, starting their session for the day. Jim sat beside him in the pri-vacy of McCoy’s office. Some three weeks had passed and, to McCoy’s pleasure, Jim had attended all his sessions.

Physically Jim was now completely healed but mentally was another story entirely. He had trouble sleeping, had lost all sexual interest in anyone, and could just barely tolerate any body contact from men with McCoy being the exception. Bodily contact was something they were working hard on moving past and McCoy was confident since Jim had already moved past any restraint in regard to females that he would soon overcome this trauma…in re-gard to anyone but Spock though. McCoy would like to hear Jim tell him he had had sex again and enjoyed it and the sooner the better so that Jim wouldn’t forever associate sex with pain. This would also help him get over whatever residual fear of touch he might have and McCoy was con-fident this day was near. However he wasn’t as confident when they talked about Spock. Jim’s relationship with the Vulcan had fallen com-pletely apart, even though Jim had wanted to try and save it. Spock had closed himself off, be-coming more Vulcan than ever before. Kirk knew Spock was reacting to his own guilt over what had happened, something which was strengthened by Jim’s inability to stand or sit too close to him or even be in a room alone with him. When he took the turbolift with Spock, Jim tried to make sure there was a third person in the lift as well. Despite his conscious desire that things return to normal, Jim couldn’t force his recovery to speed up and, for now, things were a mess.

Spock now only interacted with Jim or any other person if duty commanded it and McCoy had begun to worry so much for him that he had requested the Vulcan come to see him within the next few days for a private talk. After a few weeks, McCoy had cooled down a bit. Though he was still angry, it was now more with the situation in general than with Spock. He was aware that Spock might need some counseling as well, despite being Vulcan. McCoy was certain that Spock’s logic would state that he should not feel guilt for something which could not be un-done; guilt could not change what had hap-pened. However, McCoy knew that where Jim was concerned Spock’s logic seemed to be flawed. This time McCoy would rather be safe than sorry and not assume that Spock knew his own condition better than his doctor.

McCoy had learned from Jim that Spock couldn’t remember what had happened during the seven days they had been out of contact with the rest of the world. Lucky for him, McCoy thought with renewed bitterness. Jim obviously remembered it in painful detail; and though he hadn’t fully described what had happened then the things he had told McCoy had painted a clear picture in McCoy’s mind.

He’d been having nightmares of his own; nightmares that mixed Jim’s description of a vio-lent Spock in the throes Pon Farr with the memories he had of the Alternative Universe Spock forcing a mind meld on him. It had taken McCoy a few months to fully be at ease with Spock again after that ordeal. McCoy had been somewhat successful in getting his own night-mares and reactions under control but it was still something he had to deal with, in addition to try-ing to help Jim and worrying about Spock’s con-tinued withdrawal from everyone around him.

McCoy reviewed what Jim had told him during the course of their sessions, hoping to find some clue to help both men. Jim had told McCoy that after Spock’s forceful kiss in the forest Jim had suggested that they should go to their cabin and there Jim had promised to help Spock. He had loved Spock for a long time and had hoped that after they had had sex Spock might be receptive to a relationship between them. He had never imagined his dream would turn into a nightmare.

There had been no pleasure, only humil-iating and agonizing pain. Instead of making love to Spock he had found himself being raped, physically and mentally as Spock had forced a mind meld as well. A dominating and much stronger stranger wearing a beloved’s face had held him close at night, bringing no comfort, only fear of what was to come next. When he had finally broken down and had begged Spock to stop his attack he had gotten no reply; Spock had been so deep into the madness that nothing had mattered to him but to see his own needs fulfilled.

McCoy watched Kirk, waiting for his reply to his question, forcing his thoughts back to the present.

“I managed to get a few hours of un-disturbed sleep last night thanks to the sleeping pills you gave me,” Jim replied. Jim didn’t want to admit that he liked taking the pills and other medication McCoy had put him on to help his recovery. They took away all the anger, pain and shame he felt after what had happened; they granted him an undisturbed peace of mind. Nothing seemed to bring him down. Their effects lasted through every bridge shift, which had been a relief.

Before he had started taking the pills, working with Spock had been uncomfortable. Any sudden movements or unexpected com-ments on Spock’s part would have Jim break into a sweat, fighting to control his galloping heart as his mind remembered his ordeal. Fear was an emotion Jim was usually good at combating but this time his body was his enemy as it recalled Spock’s attack and instinctively urged Jim to create as much distance as possible between himself and the man who had attacked him. His primitive instincts had labeled Spock as a threat.

The situation was made even more frus-trating because he wanted desperately to get his reactions under control. Not only that, but he also wanted to regain a — if not close then at least a normal — relationship with Spock. McCoy’s claim that there was no definition of normal didn’t help much. The situation at pre-sent was far from good. During the ordeal Jim had tried to avoid looking at Spock; he’d been aware it would only make the situation worse if he had to see the face he loved twisted into the face of his tormenter.

It had been a pointless effort; Spock’s face was also the face of his tormenter, no matter how much he wished otherwise. 

“Good but be careful with them. They can be addictive.” McCoy made a mental note to keep on top of the amount of medication Jim re-ceived. “Have you thought about what we dis-cussed in the last session?” The early sessions had been difficult, but the need for counseling became apparent to Jim when he recognized he had to go through with it or face losing his beloved ship. That was something he couldn’t consider.

“Yes, and you’re right. I am mad at Spock,” Jim admitted. It was hard, saying those words. He loved Spock, had for a very long time, but to admit that the man he loved was also the man who had raped him —the man he hated — was difficult in the extreme. He’d tried se-parating the two in his mind into two different people but what worked in theory didn’t work in practice —not when the face of the man he loved was also the face of his worst nightmare.

“Tell me what you’re mad about,” McCoy encouraged in his best psychologist’s voice. Silence settled between them. McCoy didn’t push the issue, knowing Jim needed time to find the words.

“That he saw me so weak,” Jim began softly. “That he destroyed the dreams I had of what love with him could be like…that he be-trayed my trust and turned something that should have been beautiful into something ugly. That he took my control from me. Even now, when it should be over, he has power over me and I hate that. I wake up in a cold sweat every night — I can’t stop myself from remembering what happened. I still can’t be in the same room with him. I hate that weakness. I hate this whole situation. I hate him!” Angry and frustrated Jim picked up the nearest object, a data pad with a pencil attached to it, and threw them with all the power he could muster at the wall. They made a loud noise and slid to the floor, the pencil falling off the pad and landing by itself.

“Feel better?” McCoy asked kindly. Jim took a deep breath and nodded.

“Yeah.”

After a comfortable silence McCoy asked, “Jim, have you given any more thought to Spock’s request for a two month leave?”

Spock had made the request three days earlier. Jim had gone to McCoy to tell him about it, keeping his word to talk to McCoy about any emotional reaction he felt in regard to Spock. He had admitted that he felt angry and hurt that Spock wanted to leave; that he believed Spock now hated and despised him, and this was why Spock wanted to leave.

Jim’s feelings of humiliation and self-ha-tred over what had happened to him were issues that he and McCoy still had to work hard on. Jim had admitted thinking that he deserved the rape for all the times when he had flirted or had had short or casual affairs. Jim’s famous stub-bornness, even on this matter, had annoyed McCoy so much that he had had trouble con-trolling his temper but he had managed it, know-ing Jim didn’t need people yelling at him at this point. McCoy knew that low self worth and a be-lief that it was one’s own fault were common in rape victims. No one asked to be raped nor did anyone deserve it. It was wrong. The trick was to get Jim to not only see this in general and in others but also in himself.

Nor did Spock deserve the imperatives of his own biology. There was no easy answer here. Jim was an even more troubled patient than most because of his unique situation. It had been close to a date rape yet it hadn’t been the same. Jim knew, in his mind and heart, that Spock in his right mind would never harm him — would, in all probability, have never even approached him in a sexual manner. That didn’t change the fact that Spock had still raped him. This complexity — the torment of a beloved and a hated enemy all wrapped up into one man, made it hard for Jim to love Spock and also hard for him to hate him when the fact was that he felt both. The unusual situation also made coun-seling a walk in a minefield for McCoy who had to read up on a ton of materials to try to advise Jim in this hard time.

“I think maybe you’re right. Maybe some time apart would do us both some good. All we have accomplished by staying together is that we have been avoiding each other.”

McCoy nodded. “I think that is a good idea. You both need time to heal.”

After a short silence Jim spoke again. “How long will it be like this?” Jim asked softly, a pained look to his eyes. “How long will it take before I can sleep all night without the aid of any medication, before I can stop flinching at sudden noises, loud voices or sudden touches? How long before I will have my life back?”

McCoy hated seeing such anguish in Jim’s eyes but he also knew that there was no miracle cure. “I don’t know, Jim, but we have talked about this before. You expect too much of yourself. This is unlike any kind of torture or loss you have suffered before and it will take time to heal.”

“It will get better.” It didn’t sound like a question but his eyes made it into one.

“Yes…some day the pain won’t be as strong as it is today,” McCoy promised, having to fight a lump in his throat. He wished that he could just wave a magic wand and Jim would feel better, sparing him further pain.

* * * * *

“Jim, Spock didn’t go to Gol because of you,” McCoy insisted, his voice unnaturally loud in the stillness of Jim’s San Francisco apartment. Privately, McCoy was ready to twist that Vul-can’s neck if ever he saw him again. Jim had lost the Enterprise and Spock all in one day. It was too much, even for a man as strong as Jim.

It had been almost three years since Jim’s rape. It had taken Jim almost a year to heal enough from the psychological effects to be able to initiate a casual friendship with Spock. The Vulcan had kept his distance until then, but had responded to Kirk’s overtures of friendship.

After his return from his two month leave, Spock had seemed more focused than before, controlled but not unkind. Now McCoy wondered if Spock’s apparent recovery after that leave was because he had already decided to go to Gol viewing it as a way to avoid having to deal with the psychological effects of knowing he had raped his best friend.

Though McCoy had often called Spock emotionally cold, he knew Spock had never been so towards Jim. After Vena 3, he’d tried several times to get Spock to talk with him but Spock had insisted he was fine and, since his health and professional performance were excellent, McCoy had had to let it go. He had been glad when Jim and Spock had managed to renew their friend-ship, but it had never been the same. They’d started playing chess together again, but always be in the recreation room, never in private. They never touched each other unless they absolutely had to, nor would they go anywhere alone to-gether. If they went on shore leave, Jim invited McCoy along with them and the camping trips Spock and Jim had used to take together never happened again.

In everyday situations Jim was fine but he no longer found opportunities to casually touch Spock, and he still avoided being alone with him. Jim knew perfectly well that Spock would never attack him again but the past didn’t let go easily. Kirk considered it a failure in him-self that he was still unable to move past what had happened between them, despite McCoy’s assurances that he was doing amazingly well, es-pecially considering that he had to see and interact with the man who had raped him every day. In McCoy’s opinion, he seriously doubted Jim and Spock could ever regain what they had lost but Jim had been insistent in trying to re-create the life he had had before his brutal ordeal.

“Of course he did,” Jim insisted in reply to McCoy’s words, his eyes on the leaping flames in the fireplace before him. “I was right…He de-spises me.”

After three years of regular sessions with McCoy, it had become second nature for Jim to talk to him about how he felt and his guilt and shame over the rape were feelings that re-surfaced from time to time.

“Jim, of course he doesn’t. If he went to Gol because of you it’s because he was sad that he hurt you,” McCoy insisted, certain that if ever he got his hands on Spock for leaving without an explanation or farewell he would still hit the Vul-can over the head even if his offered reason was true.

“The guards wouldn’t let me see him,” Jim said softly, avoiding McCoy’s eyes.

”Jim, the Gol guards won’t let anyone in. They wouldn’t let me in either. It has nothing to do with you or what happened,” McCoy assured him.

“What shall I do now, Bones?” Jim asked him, sounding very tired, his eyes still on the flames. “I fought to get things back the way they used to be with Spock and I lost him. I fought to keep my ship and I lost her too. What do I have left?”

“Everything else,” McCoy said softly and put a hand on his arm, by habit making sure the movement was soft and his grip loose so that Jim had plenty of warning before the touch and so that he could easily avoid it if he wanted to. It was a courtesy he always did when they were debating his rape and one he knew Jim hadn’t needed for a long time. Less than two months af-ter his rape Jim had been able to initiate and receive any kind of bodily contact; he had even had sex again only five months after his rape with a beautiful female on shore leave. He had had a few short affairs since then but nothing lasting. However Spock’s touch remained some-thing Jim still had a reaction to. It wasn’t visible though and hadn’t disrupted their working rela-tionship but Kirk had told McCoy that he still felt his heartbeat quicken if Spock touched him unexpectedly.

Jim shook his head. “What do I now?” His quiet words echoed in his apartment. He had fought so hard to recreate his life before Vena 3. He had thought it was possible; things had looked so bright. Now it was no longer an op-tion. What could he do now? How could he re-gain what he had lost?

“Anything you want to do,” McCoy in-sisted but he feared Jim didn’t really hear him. Jim wanted a future created from the past he had lost, but the truth was he could never go back, never regain what he had lost back on Vena 3. It was a hard truth to admit but McCoy hoped Jim would be able to do so and create a good future for himself. Jim was the strongest person McCoy knew and he was impressed by how well he had handled his ordeal. He was hopeful that Spock’s latest decision wouldn’t destroy him. ~~~~

* * * * *

“Do you have any idea what he wants to talk to us about?” Jim asked as they walked to the officer’s lounge on the new Enterprise. It had been a few hours since they had saved Earth from V’ger and, after a little detour to help with some damage the probe had done, they were now on their way back to Earth to hear what their next assignment would be.

It had been almost two years since Spock had left for Gol and, despite McCoy’s attempts to help, he had had to watch helplessly as Jim had chosen promotion, a job he hated, and had punished himself further by alienating himself from everyone. Jim had chosen to live the coldest, most lonely of lives since he had lost Spock and the Enterprise, punishing himself for what he saw as his own failures by choosing a miserable existence.

V’Ger, the entity who could have killed them all, had become their salvation. It brought Spock back from Gol, Jim out of his self-made prison, and McCoy from a lonely life, shared only with bottles of different kinds of alcohol, which he’d used to try to drown the memory of his failure to help both Jim and Spock.

Jim and McCoy had had a long talk be-fore Spock had arrived and McCoy had been happy to find that Jim was finally ready to find a new future for himself, not remain in the old ruins of his shattered past but ready to build something new and strong instead. He had asked McCoy to restart their sessions; he still had occasional nightmares and other issues from the past two empty years to deal with. McCoy had agreed that it was a good idea. Many rape sur-vivors needed counseling all their life and, given the complexity of Jim’s situation, McCoy thought talking about it regularly was a good way to in-sure Jim’s continued mental health.

Then Spock had arrived and driven Jim up the wall with his cold logic. He had admitted to Bones that this coldness was more disturbing to him than anything else he had experienced from him since the rape. Jim had been surprised to find that when he had feared losing Spock he had realized that he still loved him. He had been pleasantly surprised to find that when he had held Spock’s hand in sickbay he not been afraid by the intimacy nor had the beautiful image been broken by bad memories. To his joy he had even felt the first sparks of honest sexual desire — something he hadn’t experienced towards any male since the attack and only a few females. ~~~~

Before the attack it had been easy for him to use seduction as a tool to get what he wanted; after the attack sex had to have warm emotions attached to it. He could still use sex as a tool if he had to but it became something he could only do by detaching his emotions from his actions, but he was always aware he was merely playing a part. As long as he stayed in control during the sexual act it normally went all right if it was with a woman; he had been unable and unwilling to be with any man after Spock, not even as a tool to outwit an enemy.

To others it would be such a small thing to feel sexual desire but Jim had been so happy about it that he had dragged McCoy aside at the first available time and had told him. McCoy had smiled and clasped his arm fondly and told him that it was a good sign; his body and mind were healing.

“Maybe he wants to explain why he left for Gol in the first place. God knows we deserve an explanation,” McCoy suggested as they reached the lounge where they found Spock, still in uniform, waiting for them. Spock indicated a group of chairs where they took their seats, Spock opposite Jim and McCoy.

“So, what did you want to discuss?” Jim asked as Spock remained silent, seemly lost in thought. Spock folded his hands, his two index fingers meeting and pointing upwards. ~~~~

“Jim, I owe you an apology,” Spock began, his voice warm and sincere, simultaneously controlled but hinting at deep emotion. This new Spock, who was free to express himself emo-tionally while remaining in control of himself would take some time getting used to.

Jim shook his head. “No, it’s all right.” He wanted to say that it was all right now that Spock was back but the last didn’t pass his lips.

“It is not. I have much to tell you and much to atone for,” Spock insisted, his voice filled with regret but also strength. His ex-pression showed that he was ready to face his past head on.

“What do you want to tell me?”

“My attraction to you and my love for you formed a mental Bond between us while we were still on Vulcan. This insured I could push my Pon Farr back a few months, but my inability to acknowledge our Bond and deal with the consequences made the Pon Farr return with violent results.” There was sadness in Spock’s eyes.

“Are you saying that you and Jim are Bonded?! As in the Vulcan equivalent of married!?” McCoy was clearly thunderstruck while Jim was struck by conflicting emotions: joy from Spock’s declaration of love; and a shockwave of anger at the realization that apparently his ordeal could have been avoided.

Spock nodded slightly. “Yes, Doctor. The Bond happened spontaneously on Vulcan, but during my Pon Farr on Vena 3 I instinctively strengthened the connection. I assumed the bond was against Jim’s wishes — and tried to forget the episode as Jim had asked of me but I could not. I did not wish to betray the Captain’s orders not to debate the issue. Therefore I went to Vulcan where I knew the healers would be able to understand my situation through a mind meld.” ~~~~

“I’m sorry. I should have made it clear that of course you could talk with anyone who could help you,” Jim broke in, ashamed that his emotional order had tied Spock down and had obviously brought him pain.

Spock made a dismissive hand gesture. “It does not matter now. What matters is that during the leave I took to Vulcan the healers I sought for assistance with my emotional distress over my dishonorable actions during my Pon Farr were the ones who found the Bond. They told me that a Lifebond, the strongest kind of mental bond, had formed between Jim and my-self. Not even death can break it.” Spock didn’t tell them the real reason he had gone to Vulcan; to end his own life in order to give Jim the honor and justice he felt he deserved. However when he went to the Healers and requested they end his life they had found the Lifebond and had asked him if he still wished to go through with his plan for if he did he might kill Jim as well. He had therefore instead asked them to help him live with his crime so his words to Jim and McCoy were true… it just wasn’t the whole truth.

“A Lifebond? Was does that mean?” A confusion of emotions ran through Jim at this news. Once he would have felt only happiness at hearing this; now it was not so simple.

“When one dies, the other often dies as well.”

Jim shrugged and smiled. “Doesn’t sound too bad.” He wouldn’t have wished to live after Spock’s death anyway.

Spock’s face was serious. “It also means that I will always be drawn to you during Pon Farr.”

The temperature in the room seemed to drop several degrees.

“For the rest of your life?” Jim asked hoarsely, fighting painful images of what he had endured the last time Spock had gone through Pon Farr.

“Are you saying you’re mentally compelled to rape Jim once every seven years?!” Mc-Coy didn’t share either Jim’s silent terror or Spock’s calm acceptance of the facts. He jumped up from his seat to stare at Spock. “That’ll be over my dead body!” No way was he letting Jim go through such hell again. Many of the scars on Jim’s soul were just now healing. If it happened to him again, McCoy doubted anything less of a mind wipe would help — and then they would have to deal with explaining his memory loss.

“Bones, please.” Jim indicated McCoy should retake his seat. While commendable, McCoy’s words made him uncomfortable. He didn’t like the perception that he needed such protection and McCoy’s outburst sent feelings of helplessness and worthlessness through him; these emotions had been his greatest enemies during his recovery.

“Sorry, Jim,” McCoy said softly as he retook his seat, aware that his passions had brought Jim pain.

“Doctor…” Spock began but then turned his attention to Kirk. “Jim, I would never hurt you. Not again. During my leave I decided that after our mission ended I would go to Gol, the only place where I might be able to break our Bond without harming you. I returned to the Enterprise and you with the intent of enjoying the time we had left together. I wanted to give you my friendship while respecting your boun-daries. I went to Gol believing that I could set you free but the healers were unable to break the link between us without endangering your life in the process. The bond is too strong.”

“So that leaves us back at square one,” McCoy complained.

“What happens if you mate with some-one else during your Pon Farr? A Vulcan who can match such strength and won’t be…hurt?” Now that he had just rediscovered his love for him, Jim hated to suggest Spock be with some-one else, but there was no way he could go through another Pon Farr with him. The love he had rediscovered for Spock included the desire to be with him, work and talk with him —every-thing they had had before. But not sex. The most sexual thing he could think about doing with Spock without getting uncomfortable was hand-holding and maybe a loose hug or an unde-manding kiss. 

“The Bond will not let me mate with anyone but you,” Spock said truthfully.

“You can’t mate with someone else and if you don’t mate you die,” Jim said softly and Spock nodded.

“Yes and if I die you might die as well.” It was clear that the possibility of Jim’s death was what Spock most feared.

Jim fought down his fear of reliving his worst nightmare. He met Spock’s steady but pained gaze. “Then I know what has to be done when the time comes…it’s the only way to save you.”

“Now wait just a damn minute!” McCoy protested, horrified at the turn this conversation had taken. “There has got to be another way.” He couldn’t condemn Spock to death but he couldn’t allow Jim to be hurt again, perhaps past the possibility of repair. ~~~~

“There is one possibility,” Spock began hesitantly. ~~~~

“What?” Jim and McCoy urged him on as one.

“During my stay at Gol I learned some mental control disciplines which might be able to aid me.”

“If?” Jim prompted.

“If you and I already have a strong mental connection and have had sexual intercourse before the Pon Farr, my body and mind will recognize you and your limits even in the midst of the Fever.” Spock looked slightly uncomfor-table as he said this but not as much as he would once have done.

“In other words if he loves you and comes to you willingly before your Time, sharing mind and body, your Pon Farr might be easier? Like your father’s I would assume,” McCoy broke in with medical directness. Spock was clearly uncomfortable about discussing Pon Farr and his father in the same sentence. McCoy almost felt sorry for him.

“Yes.”

“If you do this then I will still keep you two supervised during the Pon Farr… in a modern medical facility. I’m sorry but it will have to be at all times so that I can interfere if anything at all might be hurting Jim,” McCoy said clinically, decisively. He would make sure the press would not know of the admission.

“I was about to suggest that, Doctor. I will not be the cause of more hurt than I already have been,” Spock said honestly, pain in his voice.

Jim gave Spock an intense look. “What do you want?” Spock started to speak but Jim overruled him. “I don’t mean what do you need but what do you _want_?”

Spock seemed to fight with himself for a minute before he replied, “I wish to be with you.” ~~~~

”Why?”

He wasn’t making it easy for Spock but Spock knew he didn’t deserve this to be easy. “I love you. I have loved you for 6.52 years, ” Spock admitted. The admission was not hard to make; he had known it to be true for this entire time. What was hard was the knowledge that Jim couldn’t possibly return the sentiment, not after what he had done to him. Despite Jim’s re-kindling of their friendship near the end of their five-year mission, things had never been the same between them. There had been physical and mental barriers between them; changing their easy friendship into something forced and awkward. 

McCoy couldn’t help but smile at this precise statement from Spock. 

Jim grinned, overjoyed at these words — words he had never thought to hear. Despite McCoy’s counseling, despite the _illogic_ of his feel-ings, he had felt less than a man, after Spock’s at-tack, and had simultaneously blamed himself for the Vulcan’s departure to Gol.

“I love you too,” he replied softly, his face and eyes glowing like a small sun. Spock, surprised and shocked, stared at Jim in wonder. He couldn’t believe Jim loved him. It would have been difficult to believe before Vena 3 but now it was nearly impossible to believe that Jim could truly love him after all the pain he had caused. Giving into his joy, Spock smiled widely, warm-ly, before he, with an infinitely gentle look on his face, leaned a little towards Jim and offered the two-fingered Vulcan embrace. After only a mo-ment’s hesitation, Jim put his fingers against Spock’s. It was a beautiful moment; their eyes seemed connected as if by an invisible cord.

“You might want to consider partner therapy,” McCoy suggested practically, breaking the moment. Spock reluctantly broke the Vulcan embrace and leaned back in his chair.

“Yes of course. I assume you will be available?” Spock’s eyes found Jim’s. “If Dr. McCoy is a choice you will agree on, t’hy’la.”

Jim nodded and his smile widened as he heard the Vulcan word Spock was using, know-ing that its deep and beautiful translation was soulmate. “Yes, I agree.”

“Well, this should prove to be some interesting sessions,” McCoy said with a hint of humor.

“Will you share quarters with me, t’hy’la? Or is it too soon to ask this of you?” Spock felt that he needed to know where Jim’s boundaries were to be sure that he never again overstepped them.

Jim thought about it for a moment. “When we get back to Earth I’ll ask for the En-terprise back. If I can’t get her back, I’ll leave Starfleet.”

“Then so will I,” Spock got in.

“Count me in too. I only went back for you anyway,” McCoy said to Jim and Jim smiled in gratitude over their loyalty and support.

“The Captain and First Officer’s quarters on the refitted Enterprise have a connecting door. We will be sharing quarters if we so choose and I have my apartment in San Francisco. It’s big enough that you can move in. Or we can sim-ply buy a house together…or two houses, one on Vulcan and one on Earth.”

“Thank you, t’hy’la, those are good ideas but what I meant was do you feel…safe when you are alone with me?” There was no mistaking how much this question meant to Spock. 

_So that was why I was invited to this little party._ McCoy was a little impressed by Spock’s thoughtfulness. He suspected he would be spending a lot of time with Spock and Jim in the coming months as he helped them adjust to their life together and fight old ghosts but it was something he looked forward to doing. He would have to help Spock balance his desire for redemption and his urge to protect and pamper Jim with Jim’s need to be fully capable of taking care of himself. Likewise he was sure that Jim might make angry or hurting comments towards Spock and Spock would have to learn that humans sometimes said such painful things as a way of working out old emotions. It would be a long road to recovery for his friends but McCoy was determined to help them through the pro-cess.

Jim gave his answer thorough consideration. “I do feel safe with you. I don’t think I’m ready for sex with you just yet, but I would like to sleep with you — just sleep,” he ended firmly. ~~~~

Spock looked warmly at Jim. “I love thee, beloved.”

Jim’s smile could have melted rock. “I love you too.” Hesitantly, he leaned forward and pressed his lips against Spock’s in a quick experi-mental kiss. Spock sat perfectly still, letting Jim have full control so that he would not feel trapped or forced. As Jim drew back from him, Spock raised a questioning eyebrow at him and Jim grinned. “Not bad,” he smiled and Spock felt joy and relief at those words.

“When I reopen our mental link it will feel even better, for you will be able to sense my emotions. But before I reopen the link I must warn you that all your thoughts, feelings and memories will be mine and vice versa so there-fore I think it best if we wait until we have be-come more accustomed to each other again.”

Jim looked hesitant and bit his lower lip. “I have had sex after…what happened.”

“I am glad,” Spock said with a smile, relieved to hear he hadn’t been alone though the knowledge of Jim with another still send a sting of pain through his heart.

“You do know you will experience my memories of your first Pon Farr,” Jim warned him.

Spock knew this would be hard and painful to remember but if Jim could move past it so could he. “Yes.”

“And my feelings during it and after it,” Jim said softly before he added hesitantly, feeling a rush of embarrassment and shame at the thought of Spock not only ‘seeing’ but also feel-ing what he had felt during his humiliating and painful ordeal. “I’m not sure if that’s good, you sharing all my feelings. They’re pretty… il-logical.” He went silent for a few seconds before he added, “There was a time when I hated you.”

Spock nodded in understanding though a flicker of pain ran through his eyes. “I am sorry I ever hurt you but I will spend the rest of my life making amends for that.”

Jim shook his head. “I know it wasn’t your fault and I’m able to accept this fact better and better with time. The worst is over now but perhaps I should warn you that I sometimes can get…episodes.” He blushed in embarrassment.

“Episodes?” Spock looked worried from Jim’s uncomfortable face to McCoy’s serious one.

“It’s common for humans who have been subjected to very painful experiences to be haunted by them. Sometimes a flashback can be triggered by a sound, a word or a touch. Jim’s amazingly controlled so he doesn’t have many episodes and those he has had aren’t the full-blown panic attacks many survivors fight against all their life. Flashbacks and what triggers them isn’t logical. Jim’s flashbacks only ever come at night, when he’s in an unfamiliar bed – un-familiar sleeping quarters in general is not an issue,” McCoy assured Spock before he con-tinued thoughtfully, “I’m guessing the bed at the cabin wasn’t military issued for he never had any flashbacks on board ship. During the years he has only had four episodes, all during shore leave where his bed and sleeping quarters were similar to those I guess you had on Vena 3.” McCoy took a breath before he went on with medical objectivism. “Jim’s latest attack was some time before you left for Gol so it is doubtful there will be any newer ones though your return might trigger one if you ever take shore leave together. However if he does have an attack you should not touch him. Stay close, turn on all the lights and speak very softly and calmly to him, remind him where he is and you should pro-bably call me since your voice might…hmm, not be enough to break the episode since it was you who…” McCoy broke off his explanation, not finding it necessary to say what they all already knew. 

“I understand. Our mental connection should aid me but if not I shall contact you, Doctor,” Spock assured him, still awed that this was really happening. Jim loved him. The thought alone would have him smiling if he hadn’t controlled his reaction.

“You will have to deal with emotional outbursts in an understanding, patient and kind manner,” McCoy warned, not sure if the Vulcan would be able to do this, even for Jim.

“I will do whatever is necessary to help Jim get better,” Spock vowed and McCoy believed him.

“Hey, I’m not an invalid,” Jim protested, annoyed at being talked about like a child.

“I never thought you were. I think you are the strongest, most selfless and bravest man I have ever met. You are my life, my sun and the best part of me,” Spock said warmly, honestly and Jim smiled almost shyly in the face of such open praise and love.

Unable to find any other words that held enough meaning, Jim simply said, “I have loved you always and I always will. You’re my world.”

Jim and Spock looked warmly at each other and McCoy began to feel like he was in-truding. “Well, I don’t know about you guys but this should be celebrated. How about a drink in my quarters?” he suggested and Jim smiled and nodded. They all rose.

“Sounds good, Bones.”

McCoy led the way and grinned as he briefly looked at Spock.

“Still not drinking, Spock?”

Spock raised an eyebrow at him, letting himself fall back into their old routine. “You may poison your own system if you so desire but I prefer a drink that contains nutritional value.”

McCoy just smiled even wider. “Fine, then you can have a fruit drink and I’ll take an extra glass of Romulan Ale for you.”

Jim smiled at the familiar banter. As they walked through the halls, Jim’s hand came to lie softly on Spock’s arm as they walked. Spock knew this touch was a rare and precious gift. He had almost destroyed Jim’s brightness and light. In one terrible act he had raped a star and seen it bleed and in the aftermath he had watched it strangled by the darkness of night. He had been unable to undo the violence which had forced the star to fall so cruelly from the sky.

Fate had given them a second chance and, to Spock’s astonishment, Jim had been able to forgive the unforgivable. Jim had once again proved he didn’t believe in a no-win situation; through sheer willpower and strength of charac-ter, he had fought to reclaim both his life and a love that had been strangled by a friend who had become an enemy. Now, after years of pain, re-gret and loss Spock swore that he would see to it that Jim never had to go through such anguish again.

It would be a hard and long road they had to travel. Spock was sure they would have setbacks and there would be hurt and pain on the way, but Jim’s love had already proved strong enough to overcome the ultimate be-trayal. He knew he would do anything to protect Jim — from himself too if need be. They would be able to overcome all other obstacles thrown their way. In comparison to the pain they had already been through, any disaster they might have to face in the future would seem negligible. 

Finally, after so many years of fighting painful memories, guilt, regret, shame and agony the coming dawn promised to bring with it a brighter tomorrow. A tomorrow they would see together, fighting their way through it… together. 


End file.
